Joe is yelling at the trees again.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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