I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
