kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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