I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
