i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
