someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
