i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
