Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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