Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
