you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i would one night stand the shit outta him
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
