This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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