So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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