Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
