Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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