The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
