Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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