I accidentally had phone sex last night
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
