Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
