Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
