My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
