my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
