he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
