your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
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She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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