Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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