my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
