Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
