you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
