So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
