The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
