I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
