I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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