He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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