Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
