I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he was CRYING into my vagina
of course. lets lasso hookers.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
