i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.