I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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