if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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