Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
