gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
