I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
