I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The power of my boobs compel you
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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