3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
