My liver just broke up with me...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
True strength comes from lack of pants
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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