Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
