I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
