I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
