After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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