I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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