Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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