I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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