i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
