I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
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