I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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