I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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