I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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